The Fictional You

After an intense conversation with my best friend about where I thought my life would be at the end of the year and how that is now nothing but a pipe dream it got me to thinking.  There’s a line in a song by Kate Voegele that says “I’ve seen your act and I know all the facts but I’m still in love with who I wish you were”.  That’s how I feel.  I feel like I fell in love with somebody that never actually existed to begin with.  How do you love somebody that doesn’t exist?  I would say you love their memory but that’s impossible.  And that’s because all the memories are all twisted.  They are contorted into what you want them to be.  I blame the fact that we’ve been trained to see things in the picture perfect way.  The idea of a perfect relationship is one that “comes easily”.  We’re given an illusion of how things should be and not how they really are.  Real relationships take work, they are messy, they suck at times but that’s how you know they are real.  

I am glad though that I realized it.  Because realizing that somebody isn’t actually who you thought they were is a strange feeling, but it’s a relief too.  It would be nice to be able to look back on things and say “hey that was great” but I doubt that will happen. I can’t because in the end, I feel betrayed.  I feel as though I was dragged along on a ride I didn’t want to begin with and when I was finally on board, I got left out there all alone to fend for myself.  There’s nothing that will ever change that.  People can tell me otherwise but that’s the way I feel. That’s how I know that who I thought existed, never actually did.

Leaving your pretend pieces.

Only sometimes.

"as bad as it was, as bad as it hurt; i’m glad i didn’t get what i thought that i deserved."

Questions

You want to know what I wonder? I wonder when I’ll be able to be calm about him kissing somebody else.  I’m calm about me kissing somebody else but the thought of somebody else kissing him makes my heart hurt a little.  Maybe it’s because of the rejection or the fact that the idea of somebody else getting over you just isn’t appealing….I don’t know why but it’s a nagging feeling.  You connect the dots and BAM your heart beats a little faster and you can’t help but feel a little sick to your stomach.  It throws me off, because I genuinely feel as though I’m over it for the most part but seeing that just threw me.  Especially since I called it to begin with…that’s probably the part.  That right there, that I knew and I called it and he denied it…it’s almost a betrayal in a way.  Even though it doesn’t matter anymore.  

It doesn’t matter anymore.

Leave the pieces.

Only sometimes.